It’s no secret that summers in Austin are hot. Brutally hot. But it’s also no secret that cranking the AC every day from May until September can take a pretty hefty toll on your wallet. Fear not, Austinite. I’ve been living here since last May, so I know a thing or two about beating the heat, and I’ve compiled a list of 25 things you can do to keep cool instead of turning on the AC.
1. Buy a Costco-sized box of Otter Pops. Suck those things down like it’s 1995 and you just got home from baseball practice.
2. Cower on the kitchen tile in the fetal position from 8AM to sunset.
3. Put your pillow in the freezer before bed.
4. Take an afternoon nap on the bed display at Bed Bath & Beyond until the store manager asks you politely to leave. Don’t leave.
5. Stuff ice cubes down your pants. Turn on your TV. Netflix and chill.
6. Weep silently.
7. Drink water. Just kidding. Drink margaritas.
8. Fill your bathtub with ice cubes and sit in the tub until you’re knee deep in room temperature water. Rinse and repeat.
9. Weep loudly.
10. Have a water balloon fight. With yourself.
11. Skip cooking and treat yourself to a frozen TV dinner. Eat it frozen.
12. Fill a bowl with ice cubes and stick it in front of a fan. Lay down in front of the fan and don’t move until October.
13. Eat a family sized carton of Blue Bell ice cream. Eat another family sized carton of Blue Bell ice cream.
14. Pick a fight with your significant other. Sleep alone. Spread eagle. On top of the sheets.
15. Make up with your significant other. Ask them to make you a milkshake.
16. Close your blinds. Ditch your clothes. (Order is important here.)
17. Watch Fargo. Watch Ice Age 2.
18. Punch a hole through the wall between your neighbor’s apartment and yours. Pray they have their AC on.
19. Use scissors to make all your T-shirts tank tops.
20. Use scissors to make all your pants shorts.
21. Use a trash bag to throw away all your new tank tops and shorts.
22. Cover your body with Vicks VapoRub and sit under the fan.
23. Cover your body with Vicks VapoRub and don’t sit under the fan.
24. Think about turning on the AC, but don’t.
25. Forget it. Just turn on the AC.
Header photo by m01229.